Ex-Law · Student · for · Hire · and · Tomfoolery.

So this morning when I left my apartment to go to work. I couldn't exactly remember where I parked. I couldn't remember if I parked to the left or to the right. I did find my car though and then I went to work where I stared at one "kit" for about 2 hours. That's a long time, if you didn't figure that out.

I have to go do some homework now. I hate school.

Here is a mad libs that I am creating as I write it, I'm good at that sort of thing.

Once there was a very manly man that drank (#) beers after work. A sudden feeling of (emotion) came over him on the way home from work. This feeling is very (adjective) and makes the man really want to do something about it. The man cannot do something about it because of (adjective) laws that really only protect someone else, yet they are actually very good and reasonable and the man would never break. The man realizes that the last sentence could be misconstrued as (something) and is probably kind of sorry about that. Anyway, the man would really like to (fun activity, yet dirty word) some (gender that is not his own) and have absolutely no consequences or repercussions about it. Maybe have some (meal in the morning) afterwards, but not likely.

Holy (body byproduct), the man is very (outside influenced state of mind) and as said before, would just about (fun activity, yet dirty word) anyone of (gender that is not his own) that moved right now or in the next few minutes. The man who wrote this is very (emotional type feeling) right now, if you didn't understand the previous "sentences."

That might be the worst mad libs ever, but the (gender) that wrote this is too drunk for a Sunday right now.

I watched Transformers last week and I know I'm a little behind, but Megan Fox is a very comely woman/girl. I knew she was pretty in magazines, but she is ridiculous in sorta 3-D, plus she has dark hair, which is nice.
The movie is not really good, but it is entertaining and Michael Bay managed not to make a complete crap fest, although he did make an excellent commercial for GM. Michael Bay, you sure have loads of style.

Steve Holt is a bastard.

I really only have two items to discuss right now, the first being probably the most important.

I have become addicted to playing the Madden 'Call Your Play' game that you do when you purchase Pepsi products that have a code on them. This is somewhat bad because I try to limit my pop intake, but I like playing this game, so I ask all of you, if you drink Pepsi products and are not going to use the codes yourself, please send them to me, I will love you for as long as the game goes on and might even split the winnings with you, if I win anything.

Now onto item number two.

At work today, I overheard a conversation with two women. They were discussing the news topic that Lynne Cheney discovered that her husband Dick and Barack Obama are 8th cousins. These women were astonished that this could be a possibility. I don't think it's all that interesting. Perhaps my geneaology is wrong, but I think 8th cousins means that Dick's cousin's kid had a kid who had a kid who had a kid who had a kid who had a kid who had a kid and that last kid turned out to be Barack. I'm probably wrong, but 8th cousins isn't all that closely related. Seriously, they could have sex with each other in an airport bathroom and still deny that they were gay and I don't even think it would be considered incest.

That got kind of gross, but hopefully my point was made. 8th cousins, not a big deal.

Isn't the fizzling fantastic?

Hello all of you who once read this blog thingy. I think there were six of you and now there are probably none, but whatever. I have decided that since I would really enjoy being paid for writing, I should probably practice. And how do you practice to be a writer, you write. Really, it's a novel idea, so I think I will give it a try. Since it has been slightly over a year between now and my last post, I figured some updating is necessary.

Over the last couple of months, I have had a girlfriend and broke up with her, recently. Don't feel sad for me, it was my decision and was probably the right one for both of us in the long run.

I got a job. It's just a temp job, but it pays the bills and it will last at least through January. I even like it kind of. No customers (awesome, cause I hate people) to deal with, just really stupid sales reps that are either not very good at their job or just too lazy to do it properly. I will give you an example, but first a little background on what I do. I look at "kits" to verify that our client's information is correct, so we can be in charge of running the payroll for their company. Today, I emailed a sales rep, asking them to confirm what the "monthly check date" would be. They responded with "monthly." If any of you think that is incredibly stupid and thought the correct answer was a number between 1 and 31, then you are already better than half of the people that I virtually deal with everyday. I say "virtually" because 99.9999% of my communication is done via email. Pretty kick ass for me on account of the whole disliking people thing. Now only if I could get them to let me do my job from home and in my bed or in front of the tv. My movie viewing has dwindled significantly since gaining everyday employment and so far that is the biggest disadvantage to my job.

Currently, as in right now, I am half watching 'Bionic Woman,' which is only about half bad and am very painfully listening to an extremly mediocre band "practice" some very mediocre songs, including a cover of "Free Ride" that is only half not good. I truly hope these people are just having a good time and not attempting to "make it" because if I were only slightly more masochistic, I would find the most blunt object in the apartment and bludgeon myself until I could bludgeon no more. Bludgeon.

Also, I got a MacBook, which is extremly kick ass and not sucky at all, unlike PCs. I am a convert, although my next desktop purchase will be a PC, one of those gigantic Dell XPSs that do scads of things. I am so like totally computer literate.

Hank Moody is my new hero; minus the smoking and engaging in a three way with his (male) agent. I don't think I have any friends that I would be a sober and willing participant in a three way with. Does this make me a bad friend or a really good friend? I think an outside source should be the one to answer that, perhaps someone in India.

Well, I think that is all I have to share this evening. I promise more to come and you definitely will not want to miss out on the fizzling I promised. It will be most disappointing.

JV (should) get laid tonight. And I get to play with the cat. I do 90% of the work and I get the cat, whom is the biggest whore on the planet, by the way. You rub her belly and she rolls right on her back. Well, she actually jumps on your bed, then rolls on her back, then you rub her belly. Then she bites your hand and kicks it, like she doesn't want it. I guess with her, no means yes. Hypocrite. Fuck!!!! I tried. Well, JV has to take me to get my car tomorrow, so that's kind of equal. Not really though. Goodnight. Maybe she's a succubus and tomorrow she'll take all of our shit, that would show him or me for inviting strangers to our house. Fuck!!! Not fair, at all!

So I am looking to try out yoga, but on DVD. I'll wait until I like it before signing up for a class. However, I don't know which DVD to get. I do have some criteria. I would prefer the instructor (on the DVD) to be a woman (an attractive one would be nice) because if I'm going to be watching this for any extended amount of time, I would rather it not be a half-naked dude. Now the other part of my criteria is my reasoning for wanting to try yoga out. I am nowhere near as flexible as I should be for men my age, so I would like to increase that and I would like something that would loosen my back up in the morning because sometimes it feels like I can barely bend over when I wake up. Anyway, so if any of you have some suggestions that would be great. Well, I have to get ready for work. It's day 7 of the 11 straight days of working, good times.

Here is an excerpt of a story I wrote in my undergrad Intro to Creative Writing class. I think maybe only a couple people other than those in my class have read it, so here, I feel like sharing it now, since I'm planning on rewriting some of it. Here it goes, I'm also going to post it on myspace, so hope you enjoy.



On the way home from spring break in Daytona Beach, Chad is behind the wheel of his white, 1989 full-size Chevy Blazer. Pushing 200,000 miles, the truck is beginning to show its age with holes in the body just behind the driver and passenger side seats. These holes are generally used for the jettisoning of contraband or anything that was unwanted in the truck. Chad was with his two best friends, Josh and Ben. Josh was in the backseat, which is the only suitable place for him because he is a rather large individual whose life’s ambition is to eat a party sub from Subway in one sitting. Ben was riding shotgun. Ben a rather gullible guy, constantly on the outside of conversations and never in the know, he was a little homophobic and his friends enjoyed playing off of this.
Chad rubbed his shaved head and told Ben, “I’m getting tired; I need something to keep me awake. I believe it is shotgun’s duty to give road head.”
“Fuck you, I’m not doing that,” Ben said.
Piping up from the backseat Josh realizes what Chad is doing and says “You know Ben’s right, it’s not safe, road head equals road dead.”
“That may be true but road hand equals road awesome,” said Chad.
“You’re so gay, I’m not doing that. How ‘bout you get tubby back there to lend you a hand?”
“Hey, it’s not gay if it’s spring break, it’s just going crazy and what happens on spring break stays on spring break, besides I do have big soft hands, it’s all about the lotion, Lanolin not Aloe Vera,” said Josh while inspecting his hands, then touching Ben’s neck, which caused Ben to cower away from Josh.
“I’m not giving you road head or road hand!”
“Dude, relax we’re just messing with you. Anywya, I’ve got some news for you guys,” said Chad.
“Yeah, what’s that,” the two friends asked.
“I bought a ring.”
“A ring, well congratulations buddy, you have a piece of jewelry to put on your hand, that’s big news,” said Josh.
“He means an engagement ring, ass. You do mean an engagement ring, right,” said Ben as he brushed the hair out of his eyes.
“That’s a first, Ben catching on before Josh, but yes it is an engagement ring, I’m going to propose to Kim next weekend on her birthday.”
“Umm, that’s great,” said Josh, a little less than enthused.
“Yeah, congratulations,” said Ben.
“What is your problem? Why don’t you like Kim?” asked Chad
“First, she’s a bitch. Second, she talks during football games and not even about football. Reason number three, she almost killed me and let’s see number four, oh yeah, she’s a bitch,” said Josh.
“Hey, don’t forget the fact that she’s a bitch,” added Ben.
“She’s not a bitch!” yelled Chad.
“Yes, she is, but please continue with the defense of your girlfriend,” said Josh.
“She didn’t almost kill you, either.”
“I believe she did, she gave me food poisoning from her crappy cooking, three times actually. That’s three times I had my stomach pumped.”
“Dude, it wasn’t three times. Just once and she was really sorry,” said Chad.
“Yeah, well it felt like three times,” said Josh, “you should have bought her a cookbook instead of a ring.”
“Fine, I guess you guys are entitled to your opinion. That doesn’t change the fact that I am still going to marry her,” said Chad.
“That’s fine and just because I don’t like her doesn’t mean I won’t go to your wedding and get wasted at the open bar. You are having an open bar, right?” said Josh.
“Haven’t really thought about it but probably, I mean there will be alcohol there.”
“Wherever there’s free booze that’s where I will be,” said Josh as he scratched his head and messed around with his uncombed hair.



That's it for now, when I figure out what's wrong with the above, I'll probably repost it and maybe some more. Hope you liked it and I would appreciate feedback.

For those of you that know and those of you that did not know. I performed at ACME comedy company tonight for the first time ever. And I rocked the shit, but I didn't win the evening. Some douche in a sportcoat and jeans won, (how gay is that look by the way?). Anyway, apparently wishing you were retarded and getting road head is funnier than baseball and anal sex. I beg to differ, but what the fuck. To those of you that showed up, thank you and a big fuck you to those that did not and didn't even make an attempt or tell me that you couldn't make it. And I'm sorry that you couldn't get in at 8pm, I didn't know that ACME would start selling away my guest list, but I also told you to show up fucking early and not at 8 o'clock. Douches. But again, thanks for at least trying.

And I will definitely do stand up again, because those three minutes that I did tonight was the best time I have ever had in my life. It was the fucking shit and I don't think I want to do anything else in my life but comedy. So there. And I'll talk at you all later and I will keep you posted as to when I do this again. Peace.

This contract is quite possibly the best contract ever created. I love the vindictive nature of it. It's so awesome! It's contracts like this that make me want to be a GM.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2383020

I am now, officially, an uncle. I have a niece named Maizen Marie. She is 21" long and weighs 8lbs 5ozs. She has some dark blonde hair and is all flaky. That will apparently go away and she will get that new baby skin that girls try to duplicate when they are older. Anyway, so I'm an uncle, that's all I have to tell you for now. I just thought I would let you all know.

Talk to you later.

I have good news.

My laptop is back from the dead, which means more writing on my part, some stuff you can read and some stuff you can't, because you are probably illiterate, like me.

I need to go to bed, so I must keep this short. I will conclude this post with the following.

"Lesbionic dildo wielding rapists."

Just thought I would post an update because I don't have a whole lot going on right now. I just finished doing my "rehab" exercises for my shoulder. I'm kind of tired now, tired and sweaty, but mostly sweaty. I am definitely what you would call "gamey," right now. And my left eye is twitching and it's bothering me. Well, it's not really my that is twitching it's my eyebrow, but still on the left side. I guess I should have cut short that imitation of the Rock I did. I was only practicing for the Rundown 2: the Search for Curly's Gold. Those are just the sacrifices you have to make to be a C-list actor.

In MTV related news. Despite my pure and utter hatred for the television station, I can't stop watching. Especially now that the new season of Real World is airing and it features an AHA alum. If you haven't seen it, I'll give you a hint, he's gay.

Yesterday, I went a little crazy at the Best Buy and I went on a music binge. I purchased 5 CDs. Here is what I purchased in alphabetical (reverse) order because that's the order that I picked them out in. I will also include a brief opinion on each

The Subways - Young for Eternity - I have been wanting to purchase this disc since I heard "Rock and Roll Queen" on the O.C., yes, I am apparently that easily influenced, but it was so catchy and I am quite happy that I purchased the CD. My second favorite song is probably "Mary".

Sublime - Gold - I purchased this CD because I have long been a fan of Sublime (at least their radio songs) and have never purchased one of their CDs, so I figured, I buy this and I get all of those songs and then some. I've only kind of listened to the discs once, but so far it has led me to believe that I pretty much only like the radio songs, such as, Wrong Way, Santeria, April 29, 1992, Caress Me Down, Date Rape, and to a lesser extent What I Got. I'll be sure to keep you up to date on my feelings on this collection.

Panic! at the Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out - I purchased this CD because I like 'Fall Out Boy' and these guys are suppose to sound so much like 'Fall Out Boy' that Pete Wentz signed them to his label. Wentz is the bassist, lyricist, frontman guy for 'Fall Out Boy' if you didn't know. And you know what, they sound almost identical to 'Fall Out Boy'. And I like it.

the Dan Band - Live - I bought this just so I can justify singing along with 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' while driving. He cusses in it, that's how it's justified. And it's funny.

The Academy Is... - Almost Here - This is so far my favorite CD of the bunch. I would like to write a review of this band and call it, "The Academy Is...Good." Plus they have a song called, "Black Mamba" and that's what Kobe Bryant wants to be called because apparently when you are a primadonna, ball hogging, rapist you are allowed to give yourself a nickname. Just so you know, that is never true. No matter how cool you actually are or how cool you perceive yourself to be, it is against the rules to give yourself a nickname. And if you try it, that nickname (even if it sounds good) will not be used and you will be called "assface" or "douchebag" or "jackass" or "tampire" or some variation of those. Man, I wish I made up "tampire." Damn, I missed out.

Well, I need to go get all cleaned up, so I'll try to talk at you all later.

So I start class this evening. 4 hours worth of class that I am not looking forward to. This better be somewhat interesting or else I will probably shoot myself, if I had a gun, or at least I would imagine shooting myself becuase in my mind I'm not a wuss. And I'm not implying that wusses cannot shoot themselves, nor would I ever actually shoot myself unless it happened by accident, like I was sleeping with my gun under my pillow and it went off something like that. Anyway, I should leave now. I will be sure to keep you up to date on all the exciting goings on. Also, if you like music and have not checked out pandora.com, you should because it is kickass, very kickass. Unfortunately, they have never listened to the Common Place, so boo-urns to that, but what the hell. Talk at you later.

Isiah Thomas cracks me up. He just traded an aged role player for an aging role player who thinks he's a star.

Antonio Davis for Jalen Rose, a first round draft pick, and cash. I think the Raptors won on this trade. Interesting stats about Jalen Rose. He's 33 and he is making $15.7M this year, the big M stands for Million, not Milk Duds, which it should in Rose's case. This season he is averaging 12.1 ppg, 2.8 reb, and 2.5 ast. That sounds like a quality return on your investment.

I almost forgot my favorite part, well second favorite part, my favorite is that Rose is making 15.7 this year and has an option for 16.9 next year. Who was the genius that signed him to that deal? Anyway, my second favorite part is this, it's what Rose had to say, "Ask any athlete. One of his dreams is to play in New York wearing a Knick uniform. It's also always been a dream of mine." Well, I would never want to play in New York, so I must not be an athlete, which I'm probably not, but were I one, New York not gonna play there. I think Rose just held back a bit, he probably meant this, Ask any athlete. One of his dreams is to "get play" in New York wearing Knickers. And by "get play" I mean bang 5 NBA groupies who know nothing about the game, just that should the condom (if one is used) break, there's a good chance she can net herself some heavy coin to buy a new Prada bag to replace her Prado one that she bought for $20 on a street corner.

I'm pretty sure this stat isn't kept track of, but I think the Elias Bureau should get on it. What percentage of NBA players' salaries is given to the "sluts" and I use that term loosely, that these players screw in every NBA city to take care of their illegitimate kids.

Anyway, I think it's time for me to try and go back to bed.

Hey, look at me, I am awesome. So here is a link to my first published article, it's on the internet, so it's not that cool, but it's still cool nonetheless. The editors had some stuff to fill in and I think it worked out pretty well for the most part and if I didn't suck so much as a writer, less would have been changed. Anyway, here is the link: http://www.sotanlife.com/experience.php/section/home/page/article_view/id/287